Wednesday, October 3, 2012

a puncture

 My parents have always had the rule that we couldn't get our ears pierced until we are 18. I believe they just wanted it to be our decision, and something we had to think through.
I never really had a desire to get them pierced, until this year. I had been debating back and forth and finally decided to do it.
 I was scared of the pain, and of the fact it seemed like a permanent decision. What if I go to a country where having holes in your ears is a mark looked down upon? I have SO many bizarre scenarios in my mind. I guess ultimately, I trust in God and His Freedom.
 

 So many people have been with me the last few months have encouraged me to do it at point of time, so they could be there. But I wasn't financially or emotionally ready. Although it seemed like a big and courageous step for me, it is not why I wanted to write this post. No, I wanted to share my failings.
I am needy. I am not independent.

 Sometimes I ///.really/// want people and support. I don't want to appear persistent and needy. Actually, when I realllllyyy want to talk about something, when something is really important to me, or when I am really emotionally involved in something, I try to talk about it casually with my friends. I don't want to appear self-centered. If I begin to talk about it, and somehow the conversation gets interrupted, I don't bring it back up again. Instead, I will think about it for the next 30 minutes, "I hope (my friend) will ask me to finish what I was saying." I want it to be their initiative. I get disappointed when they don't. 



This happened with the ear piercing. Because it was a big decision for me, and so many friends had been available before, I REALLY wanted someone there. I REALLY REALLY wanted someone there. Someone to share this big moment, to hold my hand when I was scared. I told people my plans a few days before. Even the day of, I sent a few texts to people second-questioning the decision to go through with it. Looking back, I realize a lot of the hopes behind those texts were so that they'd remember I was going to do it, and so they would recognize I was scared and wanted someone. 
No one came. I ended up being fine and living with having coworkers there.

I am here to say though, I am sorry to say I shed tears over it and similar situations this week. I made a small issue something big. Ultimately, this isn't important. The ONLY person who is going to completely understand my feelings and needs, the only one who CAN fulfill all my needs is Jesus. Why do I build up expectations from humans? Lord, I want to find my all in all in YOU!

1 comment:

  1. mehhhhh!!! Beth!! I wanted to come be there for you sooo bad, I didn't know you were doing it... sad day.. I sorry :(

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