Thursday, October 17, 2013

Friday, October 4, 2013

running, emotion, need to breathe

Here I am, on my bed again. I am breathing audibly and emotionally, makeup smeared.
Today I went for a run. Let me take you back first, and give you some context. Since my class last fall, I have grown to enjoy running. I kept up with it during the spring, but it was pretty nonexistent during this summer. It was too hot, and I was too busy. This past week the weather has changed, and I've decided to get back on the ball after noticing the change in my body.
I ran a mile on Monday. Wednesday I ran 3 miles. Thursday I ran 1.
That brings us to today.
I have conversations with myself about exercising. (Maybe that is what i am lacking in the food arena?) Every run, I imagine scenarios where I pass out.
Go out and run at least a mile Bethany. You don't have anything else to do and it is a goal.
I go out and start running.
Not so bad yet. I can probably do 2.
Once that thought is in my head, I cannot turn back.
What if each mile was a pound of weight off? Think about all the junk food I have had in the past 48 hours. I have enough energy. I won't die.
That leads me to 3.
Not so bad for having only been a week of exercising.
I am nearing the end of mile three. I am hot, my face is the color of a raspberry, I am breathing loudly, sweat is dripping down my forehead and I cannot wipe it on anything.
Maybe I can walk a mile. Then run a mile?
So I begin walking. I start running at 1/4 of a mile. I run, but my legs are more stiff.
I try to calculate the distances/ways I can run a full mile, without having to go the full circle. I see a figure.
Maybe it is Julia? I see Khaki. No, she is running her hand through her hair like Mom. I hate running in front of people I know. Family.
I turn around and run.
I am finishing up the 4th mile when I think about my sister and her sadness. My wanting to help, but being rejected. I slow down to a walk and all of a sudden depression and sadness overwhelm me. 
No one really loves me, or shows it. They are self-centered friends. Family who I don't get the affection and encouragement I long for. Friends who I have grown distant with over the summer. I love to ask questions. I have no one who asks me questions.
The deep pity lasts about ten seconds and is gone. All of a sudden I get choked up and tears stream down my face. I start gasping, hyperventilating maybe. My throat felt swollen and I cannot get the air I long for.
It was so strange. The strange, unexpected sweep of pity.
The tears that started when I could not get the air I needed.
Here I am shivering, as the cold air contacts my hot body and the layer of sweat I have developed.

from 8/25/12


God has blessed me. For the past couple of years I have always said I wanted a job. Only once did I ever get the courage to go and apply somewhere. I kept putting it off and over analyzing where to apply. I was praying about it, when God gave me my first 'official' job unexpectedly!

I didn't have apply or interview. I had met my first boss under very informal circumstances, through my sister. She contacted me a few weeks later.

She was a wonderful and fantastic boss: patient, kind, and professional.

The boutique she owned was located in a hair salon. Soon I was working under two bosses, combining two different jobs. However, the atmosphere changed as well, I couldn't avoid certain things as easily. I was frustrated, but scared to quit. Where would I get a source of income from? It really wasn't that bad, maybe it was just me?

A sibling late one night made a joke, suggesting I apply at the workplace of my sister. My sister responded, saying they were hiring. The next day I ended up applying, soon followed by a interview. I didn't think I would actually get it, but I did.

I still questioned whether I was doing the right thing. Being mocked by a grown man was hard to take . Although it hurt and shocked me, a lot more than I would like to admit, God showed me that He knew everything, and that it was time for me to leave the job.

I am so thankful for every job I have had, be it babysitting, house cleaning or answering phones.

God has shown me He has perfect timing.

I am plagued by insecurities sometimes, but I love my job so much. The people are kind, the atmosphere is fun yet professional and I am learning so much.

God is good.

copied 4/7/13 from an old journal entry


Death sometimes feels so distant. Then I remember death is inevitable and unexpected.

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"

"But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Corinthians 15:55 + 57

A man was sharing  a story of how his truck was totaled in an accident of the highway. A young kid witnessed the accident and began to pray. Would God use a $15,000 truck to confirm the faith of a child? God has an economy system that is different then ours.

God has my life in His hands. He has a purpose for my life and whether He wants to use my death; be from an accident, illness, disaster, so be it!


I am called Beloved. I am part of His Bride. He choose me, pulled me out of the darkness and gave me hope. I was made new, I am His; He is beautiful, good, perfect.

A couple of days ago, I found myself once again slipping into comparing myself to others; wishing I had different strengths, abilities, personality.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.
Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 

1 Corinthians 12:4-7

I have been given the freedom to be different.  Why do I doubt? Why do I slip into the same dis-contentedness  God has given me abilities and gifts for His purpose, for the people and situations I encounter. For the call He has for me. Isn't that sufficient?  

I am also suppose to give others that freedom; instead of imposing expectations and requirements on them. It is all part of loving, what our ultimate command is. 

He says

He says that we must lose ours life, we must die to ourselves. (Matthew 10:39, Luke 9:23).....
                      But He gives us eternal life in return!

He says we may lose our family, our family may forsake us (Matthew 10:35)
                      But He, our heavenly Father, gives us brothers and sisters!

He says we may have to give up our possessions, we can't seek money and material (Mathew 19:21)
                       But He gives us treasure that does not fade away! (Luke 12:33)

He says give freely of what you have. (Luke 6:30)
                     But we have been shown grace and mercy!

He says we must love unconditionally everyone we encounter (Mark 12:31, Luke 6:35)
                      But He has shown us such overwhelming and boundless love.

He says we may not have a place to sleep.
                      But He says He provides and cares for even the birds.

He says we may get harmed and beaten. (Luke 6:28)
                       But we are secure in the arms of Christ and we can look to those before us.