running, emotion, need to breathe

Here I am, on my bed again. I am breathing audibly and emotionally, makeup smeared.

Today I went for a run. Let me take you back first, and give you some context. Since my class last fall, I have grown to enjoy running. I kept up with it during the spring, but it was pretty nonexistent during this summer. It was too hot, and I was too busy. This past week the weather has changed, and I've decided to get back on the ball after noticing the change in my body.

I ran a mile on Monday. Wednesday I ran 3 miles. Thursday I ran 1.

That brings us to today.

I have conversations with myself about exercising. (Maybe that is what i am lacking in the food arena?) Every run, I imagine scenarios where I pass out.

Go out and run at least a mile Bethany. You don't have anything else to do and it is a goal.

I go out and start running.

Not so bad yet. I can probably do 2.

Once that thought is in my head, I cannot turn back.

What if each mile was a pound of weight off? Think about all the junk food I have had in the past 48 hours. I have enough energy. I won't die.

That leads me to 3.

Not so bad for having only been a week of exercising.

I am nearing the end of mile three. I am hot, my face is the color of a raspberry, I am breathing loudly, sweat is dripping down my forehead and I cannot wipe it on anything.

Maybe I can walk a mile. Then run a mile?

So I begin walking. I start running at 1/4 of a mile. I run, but my legs are more stiff.

I try to calculate the distances/ways I can run a full mile, without having to go the full circle. I see a figure.

Maybe it is Julia? I see Khaki. No, she is running her hand through her hair like Mom. I hate running in front of people I know. Family.

I turn around and run.

I am finishing up the 4th mile when I think about my sister and her sadness. My wanting to help, but being rejected. I slow down to a walk and all of a sudden depression and sadness overwhelm me. 

No one really loves me, or shows it. They are self-centered friends. Family who I don't get the affection and encouragement I long for. Friends who I have grown distant with over the summer. I love to ask questions. I have no one who asks me questions.

The deep pity lasts about ten seconds and is gone. All of a sudden I get choked up and tears stream down my face. I start gasping, hyperventilating maybe. My throat felt swollen and I cannot get the air I long for.

It was so strange. The strange, unexpected sweep of pity.

The tears that started when I could not get the air I needed.

Here I am shivering, as the cold air contacts my hot body and the layer of sweat I have developed.

from 8/25/12